One of the things I try not to do is to forget to live now because I am busy waiting to live in the future. Lots of great teachers have warned us that this is not a great thing to do. Being mindful of today is good. Forgetting today in anticipation of tomorrow is not so good, not so aware.
Kurt Vonnegut wrote about the people who live for another day, missing the days they have. Some examples that he uses are soldiers waiting to become civilians again (yuppers, done that one) and students waiting to graduate (check). Yoda scolds Luke Skywalker for always looking towards the future, never being in the moment and emphasizes his point by repeatedly poking Luke with his ridiculously small cane. Even the Buddha mentions this idea of the past and future both being illusory.
Today was hard. In the past I have driven people crazy by not getting excited about upcoming events. I tell them that I am pleased that such-and-so is drawing near, but that I am trying to be more aware about what is happening right now. In truth, sometimes I do this because I am truly trying to be a better, more aware person and sometimes because I know it will drive certain people crazy. Driving people crazy while appearing to take the high road is one of the truly wonderful passive-aggressive pleasures in life and one which I am loath to deny myself, so deal with it. Oh, yes, today was hard. Today was hard because I have bought my tickets, chosen my gear and clothes, test-packed my little bag and today purchased my travel books. I have mis-timed my preparations. I am ready to leave for SE Asia, tonight if necessary, and still have two weeks before it is time to do so.
Hoisted on my own petard. I hate it when I do that to myself. Today was crappy, cold and damp in Seattle, with rain and snow and 31 degrees. Just perfect for destroying my resolve to live in the moment when I could be in Bangkok or Chang Mai where is is 90 degrees (I checked) and sunny. I could be wishing for a slightly shadier place to sit and smoke a good cigar instead of wishing I had another layer of fleece to put on. Speaking of not being in the here and now, I am within a hair's breadth of blurting out, in my next business meeting, that I don't give a glorious crap what anyone is saying or thinking, I just want to get on the plane. so far I have restrained myself but the next two weeks may be a different story.
So my reality check is thus: Yes, I am leaving for a month and it will be wonderful and I am ready to go. Meanwhile, back at Rancho Awareness, life is going on as usual. Business to attend to, life to experience, relationships to maintain. So even though I am not fooling anyone, I have to try and draw myself back into the moment, remember that anything other than the right now is a tenuous projection of hope and get on with living out the real deal.
Sometimes I hate being a grownup.
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